FOOD JOKES
You know
you are drinking too much coffee when . . . You
ski uphill. |
Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate.' |
What did the hungry computer eat? Chips, one byte at a time. |
| If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? |
Did you hear that Coke Cola is coming out with a new drink? It's called E. cola |
What do cats call mice on skateboards? "Meals on Wheels." |
What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich? Launch meat. |
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom? He's a real fun guy [fungi]. |
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter." |
DIET TIPS FOR CHEATERS #1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. #2. If you drink a diet coke with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet coke. #3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. #4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. #5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. #6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots,Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. #7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. #8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. #9. Foods that have the same color have the
same number of bbbcalories. Examples are: spinach and chocolate mint ice cream;
cauliflower and white chocolate. 10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles. |
| A man sat
down in a restaurant and asked the waitress what the daily special was. She replied, "Boiled tongue." "Boiled tongue!" responded the horrified customer, "There is certainly no way that I would ever eat anything that came out of a cows mouth! That's disgusting! Give me three fried eggs, instead!". |
Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig!
|
| Fred and
Harry took their lunches to the local cafe to eat. "Hey!" shouted the proprietor. "You can't eat your own food in here!" "Okay," said Fred. So he and Harry swapped their sandwiches. |
| My brother's
on a seafood diet. Really? |
| What did one
termite say to the other termite when he saw a house burning?
|
| Beginner Cook Are you a cook? Neither am I. A pizza is a trusty meal, But cooking is a tempting craft The cooking magic I will work! Into the kitchen with brave strides Spaghetti? Oh, that sounds good! My mother always said to add I say a prayer, turn the knob, It starts to boil soon enough, I quickly knew something was wrong All fires are quenched by water thrown, A fiery face came to my eyes, What happened next I won't describe, |
| Cousin Elly
is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband
bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on
it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready." A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?" |
| This little
grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning, He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee she had ever had. When she got to the bottom of the cup there were three greem army men in the bottom of the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma it says on TV that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup." |
| One day, at a
New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter (25 cents coin)! Help!
Please, anyone! Help!" experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. |
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." |
| An old man
and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts. One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts. When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts. The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms." |
| Problem: How
to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
|
| If not for
chocolate, there would be no need for control top
|
| A family of
three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!" |
| Sign in a restaurant: We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone. |
| A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing. |
| A Jew and an
Italian were arguing over which one could make a dime go further. So they decided to get together later in the week and compare. So when the did, the Jew goes first. He says: "I took my dime and bought a cigarette. The first day, I smoked half and saved the ashes. The second day, I smoked the other half and saved the ashes. The third day, I ate the butt and fertilized my plant with the ashes I saved. The Italian replies: "That's nothing! I took my dime and bought a sausage. The first day, I scooped out half and ate it. The second day, I scooped out the other half and ate it. The third day, I took a shit in the empty casing, took it back to the store and said 'This sausage smells like shit' and got my dime back!" |
| The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate. |
| A food
company is considering marketing a new cereal with Andrew Dice Clay's picture on the box. The cereal will be called Nut 'n' Bitch. |
| A comedian
(Seinfeld?) once reported going into a McDonald's and asking for an order of fries. The girl asked, "Would you like some fries with that?" |
| From Late
Show with David Letterman; March 16, 1994 Top Ten Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee 10. When you call radio talkshows, they ask you to turn yourself down. 9. You're passing everybody on the freeway when suddenly you realize, you're not in a car. 8. You run around your company board room yelling, "I've got a great idea! A Disneyworld in France! We'll call it EuroDisney!" 7. You can't stop saying, "No". (Earlier in the show, Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again) 6. Last time you got good night's sleep, Madonna was a virgin. 5. You're shaking like Mexican space shuttle. 4. You jam a fork into the waiter's hand when he tries to switch your regular coffee with Folger's Crystals. 3. You go nuts over a little thing like a car alarm. (A car alarm was going off outside the theater earlier, and Dave went out to the Hello Deli next door and got pea soup to pour on the engine) 2. Like our stage manager Biff Henderson, it starts to spray out of your ears. (Self-explanatory...) 1. You're up to four heart attacks a day. |
| The Lord's
Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. |
| What Your
Pizza Says About You Wonder what the Domino's people do when they're not rushing pizzas all over creation? They take surveys, or they say they do. The company's mighty public relations machine offers these observations: Men wearing muscle shirts when answering the door order pepperoni three times more often than any other topping. People who have pierced noses, lips, or eyebrows ask for a vegetarian topping 23 percent more often than a meat topping. Those who have wind chimes on the porch are four times more likely than the average to want olives. A recurring element is the correlation between pizza-eating and TV-watching. Whatever day and time 'Roseanne' airs is always the biggest half-hour of the week for meat-topped pizza orders. Since you asked, the No. 1 pizza-ordering show (figured by comparing orders during its time slot with weeks when the show doesn't air) is 'Melrose Place,' which is also by far the leading show for vegetable-topped pizzas. Pizza orders in the 'Melrose Place' time slot have gone up 14 percent since Heather Locklear joined the cast. There's more: As you look back on 1994, trying to make sense of Newt's rise and O.J.'s fall, you may want to consider these other statistics from Domino's: o Since the Republicans won the election, meat-topped pizza orders have risen 32 percent in the Washington metropolitan area. o Since Election Day, tipping of Domino's deliverers by Washington women has fallen off by 10 percent (except during 'Melrose Place,' when it climbs by 30 percent). o Since the election, tipping by House Republicans has been down 12 percent; tipping by House Democrats has been up 3 percent. o Whenever Newt Gingrich appears on national television, pizza orders to Democratic offices go up 4 percent and go down 2 percent on the GOP side. o And last, but not least: The single greatest hour for pizza delivery in national pizza history was the hour when O.J. Simpson was in the white Ford Bronco on the L.A. freeways. |